So I still haven't saved the world. Yet.

Anyone who has followed my blog for any significant amount of time is aware of the fact that I separated from my husband in December of last year. Well before I got in to the whole schpeel let me give you a quick timeline of the last 9 months of my life mmmk?

December 27,2008-Bill(husband) and I separate.

December 31,2008-First date with Donnie(boyfriend)

January 5,2009-Tell Donnie I still love my husband and I want him back. Bill moves back in.

January 7,2009- WHOA what the fuck was I thinking, I cant be married to this man. Bill moves out. Back together with Donnie

February 28,2009- Donnie and I just aren't working out. Still love my husband, going to give it one more shot.

March 13,2009- Marriage fails once again and Bill moves back out. Back with Donnie.

March 27,2009- Move in to a cozy little home in the city with Donnie and our children.

March-August- Aside from here and there arguments things are seemingly well for Donnie and I.

And that takes us to the present, HOLY SHIT. Wait, are you still here. Take a xanax, It may help with the overwhelming urge you are getting to call the Jerry Springer show right now. ANYWAY, Donnie and I have decided to separate. we are still TOGETHER but we are living separately for right now. We both have some things that we need to work on but we need to work on those things alone, that way when we do eventually move back in together things are far less hectic.

So,yes, now I am living in my parents home that they so graciously opened to Sophia and I and I am thankful to them for that. And lucky YOU, I will be writing SO much more now that I have a WORKING computer. You're jumping for joy, like literally, right now aren't you? Right on.

Oh, and PS. My divorce is final on September 22nd. I expect bottles of Jack Daniels and xanax to arrive at my door as celebratory gifts. Mmmk Thanks.

She is back

OK but for real this time. Yeah yeah yeah I know, Ive said that before. I cant even begin to tell y'all how this year has been. INSANE.. But I made some MAJOR changes in my life, for the better, and through those changes I will be able to get back to my true passion, BLOGGING! But Its 2:25am here in St Louis right now SO I will be back tomorrow with a super fun update on where the fuck I have been all these months. Make sure you bring the coffee BC you will need it! Until then lovies!

wooooweeeee what a year so far.

Ok, so first of all let me say that I am freaking THRILLED to be sitting here posting this! I have missed blogging with a passion and I am happy to say I finally have WI-FI in my home.

Now, for the updates (you might want to pack a lunch and take a seat bc there are about a bazillion of them!) First and foremost. Yes, my husband and I are still separated and I have one speedy divorce lawyer so in about,eh, a month (give or take a week) I shall be free of that son of a bitch divorced. Break out the champagne and the party hats folks, Its finally a reality! OK so anyways...

Hmm...Me, so much going on with me. Shortly after Bill and I separated I began dating Donnie. I met him through a company that I was a customer of. Aside from a few bumps in the road we are still going stronger than ever and we live together with his two children and Sophie in St Louis City. We have a gorgeous little place that we can call our own. Right now I am honestly happier than I have been in as long as I can literally remember. Oh! Ive also lost 43 lbs. WOOT! I can finally say it, I have a hot ass! Ha!

Oh my gosh, I feel like there is so much to catch up on that I cant even think straight and I know I am leaving soooo sooo much out.

Lets see... Sophie. Sophie is doing absolutely amazing! She is making strides that I never saw coming 6 months ago. Aside from severe hypotonia and a double internal tibial torsion she has completely caught up developmentally and continues to amaze me every single day.

Now obviously I couldnt come back without a plethora of pictures right?

Me,Because you know you missed my smiling face.


Donnie and I


Sophie


Donnie, Ceira and Devin



we're beautiful right? haha


So thats that. Im back and Im freaking thrilled about it. Today is my "Awww yay Im back" day. Tommorow is a new day. Lots of reviews to post and more to come! Stay tuned!!!

Crazy busy week

So, The last job I had before the one I have now was before I was even pregnant. Sophie is almost three. I like my new job. I do. But fuck I am so so so TIRED! I swear no one in this house lets me get more than 4 hours of sleep a night.

I have worked 11 out of the 14 days Ive had the job. Im exhausted. Then Bill gets sick. Some nasty respiratory crap. Then Sophie gets sick(And is still sick) Then of course mommy gets sick. I have some nasty stomach virus and whatever Bill shared with me. Sophie has been in bed for an hour and has woken up THREE times screaming. Im really hoping that there is not a trip to the emergency room later tonight *KNOCK ON WOOD*

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We are spend it with two of our good friends. Just the five of us. Both of our families are doing very low key things this year so we decided to stay home and relax and cook our own Thanksgiving dinner. Oh God how I hope Bill doesnt fuck the turkey up. Then Friday I have to be at work at 3:30 AM for a day of retail hell. WOOT (Note the sarcasm)

I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving!!!

Tonsilectomies and what not

Sophie had her tonsils and adenoids out yesterday. The doctor had planned on admitting her for overnight observation (Although I was not aware of this until yesterday morning) BUT She recovered WAY better than expected and was up in bed playing with her toys and eating pudding. So, the doctor came in and said it was up to Bill and I if we wanted to take her home or not. So I brought her home BC I wanted her to be comfortable.

SO, I started my new job at Toys-R-us today and Bill hasn't found a job yet so he was home with her. I was nervous as all hell BC I have been with her every day of her life and now I was going off to work and the day after she has surgery. I expected her to be miserable and sleep all day (they have her on pain meds). HA! I come home at 5 from work and she is running around in a swim diaper and two different socks, That's it. HAHAHA.

Bill said he did everything her could to slow her down but she was so hyper and just wanted to run around and play. The doctor said she has stitches and wanted her on minimal activity for two weeks so as not to pop a stitch but there is no holding this child down! I thank God that she recovered well though!! Now if I could just get her to sleep once and awhile......

Eating Disorder Awareness: My Story.

Eating disorder awareness month isn't until February but I wanted to do a post focused on eating disorder awareness. Let me tell you why.

Ive shared *some* personal stuff on here but I've never talked about my life before I became a mom. So, as my way of spreading awareness on this disease I am going to share a very personal story of mine.

When I was 13 I became friends with a girl who introduced me to a friend of her cousin. Let's call him *Mike*. Mike was 22. Now, I had already had alot of shit happen at 13 and was kind of unstable at this point. Mike and I began dating. Soon after that I got into drugs. I was smoking pot, meth, and doing cocaine. Mike was....how do I put this....A sadistic son of a bitch who ruined my life. One of the major impacts he made on my life was that he GAVE me my eating disorder. Everything I ate around him I was forced in to a bathroom to "get rid of it" or I was beat. I continued to date him until I was 15 and my parents had him arrested and put a child order of protection against him. That same day my parents had my arrested. I had come home after having run away for an entire weekend and my parents informed me the cops were on their was BC they couldn't handle the way I was living anymore and that I needed a wake up call.

And damn, did I get one. I locked myself in my room and I took 27 Prozac. I was already obliterated out of my mind. The cops show up, break in my room and try getting me to cooperate and go with them. I threw a remote control at a very large cop and was instantly restrained and searched. They found 3 grams of meth and an empty bottle of Prozac. I was handcuffed and taken to a hospital where I was treated for the overdose and I was transferred to a psychiatric facility to detox and receive treatment for bulimia and anorexia.

I spent 39 days in the hospital.I came out so free of so many things. I was free of the burden of drugs and the burden of a seriously abusive man. One burden that stuck with me was my eating disorder.

By now I had been so completely 'mind-fucked' into thinking no matter how hard I tried I would never be thin enough. I won't share my weight but I will say I was much less than 100lbs. Eating was my worst enemy. I loathed getting out of bed in the morning BC no matter how hard I tried it was impossible to avoid every member of my family who was begging me to eat. My daily diet consisted of: In the morning I would eat a plain wheat English muffin with a liter of water. I chewed gum during the day and late afternoon I would eat 5 pretzel sticks with the salt scraped off.

Now, on days where I was practically forced to eat would be days that I just wanted to crawl in to a corner and cry. My family wasn't stupid. My parents and sisters knew my tricks and if they ever saw me eat a full meal they more or less guarded each bathroom waiting for me to beg them to let me go in. They never did and It go to be to much for me. I couldn't eat. I honestly thought that if I ate everyone would look at me like a fat pig who couldn't control herself. I believed my family and friends were trying to get me to eat only so they could see me get fat and make fun of me.

I began 'hiding' it better **GRAPHIC DETAILS AHEAD** in order to maintain the lifestyle I believed I needed to live I began hiding in my walk-in closet and purging into paper bags and I would take them out to the curb every trash day.

That thanksgiving (I was 17 almost 18 now) I was purging and started vomiting blood and I passed out. I was rushed to the hospital and I was there told that if I didn't get treatment NOW I was going to die. I finally decided it was time to get help

I was on a 24 hour monitor by my parents and also had daily sessions with a counselor who specialized in eating disorders. After many months of rigorous therapy, endless meetings with a nutritional counselor, and the best support group EVER I was finally beginning to get my life back.

I continued to have frequent episodes of relapse until I was 20. When I got pregnant. When I got pregnant I developed severe ecclampsia and gestational diabetes and I gained....Are you ready?.... 71 pounds. Pregnancy was hard. It was damned hard but I knew I had to stay healthy for my baby.

I still struggle. Almost on a daily basis. I think that part of the disease will never go away.

This time of the year is a hard time for me. It is when the holiday baking begins. It is when the plentiful Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners take place. I have a hard time eating in front of people. I still feel a bit of shame, but it is more easily overcome.

My main reason for this post is to spread the awareness and the realness of an eating disorder. Anorexia and Bulimia are very real and serious potentially life threatening illnesses.

Here are the top ten warning signs for Anorexia and Bulimia.

Anorexia Nervosa:
-Deliberate self-starvation with weight loss
-Intense, persistent fear of gaining weight
-Refusal to eat or highly restrictive eating
-Continuous dieting
-Excessive facial/body hair because of inadequate protein in the diet
-Compulsive exercise
-Abnormal weight loss
-Sensitivity to cold
-Absent or irregular menstruation
-Hair loss

Bulimia Nervosa:
-Preoccupation with food
-Binge eating, usually in secret
-Vomiting after bingeing
-Abuse of laxatives, diuretics, diet pills
-Denial of hunger or drugs to induce vomiting
-Compulsive exercise
-Swollen salivary glands
-Broken blood vessels in the eyes

If you know someone with some or all of these behaviors, Don't stand back and wait for them to ask for help. HELP THEM. My family saved my life and I thank the Lord every day of my life for that.

Eh, It happens

Ho-ly hell. Are y'all ready for this?

Ok. So. I went this morning and voted. After I voted I went to the grocery store to get some stuff to make breakfast. I got 2 gallons of milk, sausage, biscuits, eggs and a 12 pack of soda. I get home and I am carrying all of this stuff to the door right? Well, I was wearing drawstring pants and they started to slip down a little. Now obviously I had both hands full so, I try hiking them up with my pinkie. They stay up for like a hot minute. And then it happened.

I get to the top of the stairs and right there there are 2 of my neighbors standing shooting the breeze. MY PANTS FALL TO MY ANKLES. Now, (TMI) I had on no underwear! so here I am, both hands full, hauling groceries standing completely nekkid from the waist down face to face with my 60 something neighbors.

I DROP the groceries and pick up my pants, apologizing profusely. What did they say, you ask? They said "Eh, It happens." IT HAPPENS???? NO! It does NOT happen! That's like totally and utterly embarrassing and i swear to you I am never leaving this house again.

Updates on Sophie

This child, I tell you, Is going to give me a heart attack with her almost 3 year old antics. I won't even go there right now, My heart is to fraile. Anywho, Sophie saw the GI for a check up yesterday, everything went fabulous. Doc thinks that the chronic constipation is caused by a behavioral witholding of the poops. Like, Maybe one time she ate to much cheese and was constipated and it hurt to go so in her mind she has that it hurts so she holds her potty until she is backed up and its very painful. I always knew my kid would be full of shit..... So, I'm going to mention it to her behavioral therapist and see if we can't come up with a plan to help her know it's ok to poop!

She had her ENT appointment today. First things first, he saw no cheese in the nasal cavity! WOOT!(If you have no clue wtf I mean by that read this) So she goes on November the 11th for her tonsils and adenoids to be removed. They are also going to do a nasal cautery to stop her frequent bloody noses. Hmmm..... other than that the only other big appointment we have coming up is the platelet transfusion on the 28th of this month.

One day, I swear it, one day my baby will be completely free of all this medical mayhem and live a normal life.

Oh what a week it has been!

So, I have bronchitis. That, actually has been the highlight of my week. Sophie has strep again. My God I wish that child could stay healthy. Yeah, then, Bill calls me Friday morning at 10:30am. "I'm on my way home. I just got fired." Uh. Whaaaaaaat?! I'm sorry I don't think I heard you correctly, you got FIRED?! "Yup, I got fired".

Holy frickin eh. So, apparently like a week and a half ago he had hung a speaker at a bar (he is a low voltage electrician for a company that owns and services arcade and bar top games and ATMs and jukeboxes.) Anyway. He hung the speaker. TWO days later, TWO DAYS, a screw in the mount kit snapped and the speaker fell and almost hit a bartender. His boss said that they can't take any risks like that and he had to let him go. UM. FIRST OF ALL, if the speaker falling is ANYONES fault freaking blame the manufacturer who made the screws dude. And SECOND of all, Mr. boss man, your son got a DWI on the job, in a work truck, at noon, on his lunch. But he still works there, he sure does Mr. Boss Man.

Ugh, so on his way home he stopped and filed for unemployment. Came home and sent his resume out to several companies. My God I hope he gets something SOON. This was the LAST thing we needed financially.

The truth hurts

I try to stay away from talking about me on here. About my own personal issues and the issues I have in my marriage. I try to keep my blog up beat and fun to read but tonight...well tonight I just have to let my inner narcissist out and talk about me. I just need to get it out before my head implodes from all of the pent up stress.

Today my husband, Bill, lost his keys. "We" spent the whole day searching for them with no luck. Well, this evening I was hurriedly running around the house looking for them when I stopped and I realized that he was sitting at the computer, playing some stupid game on Myspace. Not even TRYING to help. So I said "Fuck this, If he can't get up and HELP me then he can look for them his damn self". So, yeah, whatever. The whole point of me telling you that is that I realized while I was busting my ass looking for HIS keys he didn't lift a finger to help. *SIGH*

We've had our share of problems, more so than your 'average' married couple. For a while we were getting along great. But, for the past month or two he has gone back to being an inconsiderate selfish hateful s.o.b. I won't even bore you with all of the details.

I'm bawling my eyes out as I'm writing this. The tears are making the keyboard and the screen seem blurry. A few days ago we were in the car when he started in on me. I honestly don't even remember what about. But as we quietly bickered in the front seats Sophie shouts from the back "No! stop!" We both shut up quicker than we ever had before. It was right then that I noticed that something has GOT to change.

I don't know what it is about love that makes me endure some of the things that I do. Let me say real quick that I am not perfect. I could certainly handle situations differently. Though... I don't understand why when I have spent so many nights crying myself to sleep BC I'm so miserable that I still love him. I dont understand why when I KNOW what kind of life I want and have always wanted is not what I have with him yet still love him.

Love is funny that way. Lately with everything that has been happening with Sophie's medical health and my marriage I have literally been a fragile emotional mess. I have days when I am so miserable that I don't even want to be awake.I have days when I am literally physically sick from the fighting. Days when I am *this* close to relapsing from 3 years of remission from Bulimia. But, you know what? Do you know what makes all of that all better? Sophie. When she comes to me at 5am jumping on me telling me she is hungry its then that I know life is good. I love that child so much that is makes my heart hurt. I never knew I was capable of loving someone so much until I met her.

So, why? Why after I heard her yell in the car, noticeably upset, do I stay with him? He is a great dad. In a sense. I know and believe with every ounce of my being that he loves Sophie more than anything. He absolutely adores her. But the extent of his relationship with her is play-based. I am 100% the only person involved in her medical treatment. I am the one who takes her to the park/Zoo/Museum etc...

Uggh.. I don't even know what this blog is supposed to be about. I just needed to get it out.