For better or for worse. But really just for worse.

Dear Mother Fucker:

Where do I even begin? On September 25,2005 I vowed to you before God and all of my family to love and to cherish you. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. I have a strong faith in God and I was raised with the moral that divorce is not the answer. Maybe that is why I have spent the last 4 years of my life in complete and utter misery.

While our precious angel was going through extensive health problems and hospitalized on a regular basis I was unable to work. But while I was unable to work I spent countless nights sleeping in chairs in hospital rooms. Worrying myself sick about my child, OUR child. And what were you doing during those times while I was in the hospital? Or what about those times I was waking up at 3am and rushing to the emergency room deathly afraid for our daughters health? Sure you worked. You brought in a paycheck. But what the fuck exactly did you do with that paycheck? Why were we always behind on our bills. Why was I always calling ad begging bill collectors and utility companies to work with us? Because you were a drug addict. Because you constantly lies to me about the money that was made and you spent a minimum of $200 a week on marijuana. And aside from working you smoked pot and sat on your fucking ass. Sad as it is to say you never one time changed a diaper until we separated on December 27,2008. Sophia was almost 3 at that time.

How many times did I come to you in tears, begging you to go to the park with her and I. Or maybe out to dinner. Even a simple walk around the block. You never obliged. You were to God damned busy smoking your life away to worry about your family. You were to damn busy degrading me for not working. When I couldn't work BC I was our daughters sole medical guarantor and had to be there for her therapies 5 days a week. The constant doctors appointments. The MRIs. The EEGs. I was the one crying in the hospital as those doctors had to hold my precious angel down to draw blood or insert IVs. All the while you sat at home with your son of a bitch friends and got high.

And then I woke up one day and I realized I refused to live that life anymore. I refused to let you make me feel like a failure. I refused to let you put drugs before your family. And on December 27,2008 I told you to leave. And that time I meant it.

I filed for divorce. And from December to March you stopped smoking. I know you did BC I could look at you and tell there was a major change in your complete being.

On March 1,2009 I allowed you to move back in. Things were great. I whole heartedly believed that our marriage stood a chance. But on March 12th I caught you in a big lie and it was then that I realized that even though you were sober, you were still a compulsive liar and manipulator. And out the door you went.

I have spent the past 6 fucking months being badgered by you. Degraded. Called every fucking name in the book. Ive been told I don't give a fuck about my family and that I am doing nothing but ruining my daughters life by divorcing you. You have been able to send me to the deepest depths of depression and made me so mother fucking angry in these months that there is no forgiveness in me for you right now.

I have strong suspicions you are doing drugs again and that is not something my daughter deserves. You have stepped up your game as her father these past months but you have also told her, a three year old innocent child, hateful degrading things about her mommy. Her mommy who has ALWAYS been there for her. HOW DARE YOU try and make her think I am hurting her by divorcing her father. I am protecting my child from a situation that was so unhealthy for her and I to be in. To see us constantly fighting and arguing. To never have had spent any quality time with her daddy until mommy finally told him to leave.

Up until today I have let you hurt me and manipulate me and I am finally able to honestly say I am done. I want nothing to fucking do with you. I have asked you not to contact me unless it directly regards our daughter.

It is early Monday morning and I will be in court at 9am on Tuesday morning for our divorce hearing and I will finally be set free. I am no longer your door mat. I am no longer your puppet. I am my own person and I now live for me and for my daughter.

I hope you live with the guilt of the family that you tore apart for a long long time BC neither her nor I deserved the 4 years of hell that we endured.

The truth hurts

I try to stay away from talking about me on here. About my own personal issues and the issues I have in my marriage. I try to keep my blog up beat and fun to read but tonight...well tonight I just have to let my inner narcissist out and talk about me. I just need to get it out before my head implodes from all of the pent up stress.

Today my husband, Bill, lost his keys. "We" spent the whole day searching for them with no luck. Well, this evening I was hurriedly running around the house looking for them when I stopped and I realized that he was sitting at the computer, playing some stupid game on Myspace. Not even TRYING to help. So I said "Fuck this, If he can't get up and HELP me then he can look for them his damn self". So, yeah, whatever. The whole point of me telling you that is that I realized while I was busting my ass looking for HIS keys he didn't lift a finger to help. *SIGH*

We've had our share of problems, more so than your 'average' married couple. For a while we were getting along great. But, for the past month or two he has gone back to being an inconsiderate selfish hateful s.o.b. I won't even bore you with all of the details.

I'm bawling my eyes out as I'm writing this. The tears are making the keyboard and the screen seem blurry. A few days ago we were in the car when he started in on me. I honestly don't even remember what about. But as we quietly bickered in the front seats Sophie shouts from the back "No! stop!" We both shut up quicker than we ever had before. It was right then that I noticed that something has GOT to change.

I don't know what it is about love that makes me endure some of the things that I do. Let me say real quick that I am not perfect. I could certainly handle situations differently. Though... I don't understand why when I have spent so many nights crying myself to sleep BC I'm so miserable that I still love him. I dont understand why when I KNOW what kind of life I want and have always wanted is not what I have with him yet still love him.

Love is funny that way. Lately with everything that has been happening with Sophie's medical health and my marriage I have literally been a fragile emotional mess. I have days when I am so miserable that I don't even want to be awake.I have days when I am literally physically sick from the fighting. Days when I am *this* close to relapsing from 3 years of remission from Bulimia. But, you know what? Do you know what makes all of that all better? Sophie. When she comes to me at 5am jumping on me telling me she is hungry its then that I know life is good. I love that child so much that is makes my heart hurt. I never knew I was capable of loving someone so much until I met her.

So, why? Why after I heard her yell in the car, noticeably upset, do I stay with him? He is a great dad. In a sense. I know and believe with every ounce of my being that he loves Sophie more than anything. He absolutely adores her. But the extent of his relationship with her is play-based. I am 100% the only person involved in her medical treatment. I am the one who takes her to the park/Zoo/Museum etc...

Uggh.. I don't even know what this blog is supposed to be about. I just needed to get it out.