Monday, September 21, 2009

For better or for worse. But really just for worse.

Dear Mother Fucker:

Where do I even begin? On September 25,2005 I vowed to you before God and all of my family to love and to cherish you. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. I have a strong faith in God and I was raised with the moral that divorce is not the answer. Maybe that is why I have spent the last 4 years of my life in complete and utter misery.

While our precious angel was going through extensive health problems and hospitalized on a regular basis I was unable to work. But while I was unable to work I spent countless nights sleeping in chairs in hospital rooms. Worrying myself sick about my child, OUR child. And what were you doing during those times while I was in the hospital? Or what about those times I was waking up at 3am and rushing to the emergency room deathly afraid for our daughters health? Sure you worked. You brought in a paycheck. But what the fuck exactly did you do with that paycheck? Why were we always behind on our bills. Why was I always calling ad begging bill collectors and utility companies to work with us? Because you were a drug addict. Because you constantly lies to me about the money that was made and you spent a minimum of $200 a week on marijuana. And aside from working you smoked pot and sat on your fucking ass. Sad as it is to say you never one time changed a diaper until we separated on December 27,2008. Sophia was almost 3 at that time.

How many times did I come to you in tears, begging you to go to the park with her and I. Or maybe out to dinner. Even a simple walk around the block. You never obliged. You were to God damned busy smoking your life away to worry about your family. You were to damn busy degrading me for not working. When I couldn't work BC I was our daughters sole medical guarantor and had to be there for her therapies 5 days a week. The constant doctors appointments. The MRIs. The EEGs. I was the one crying in the hospital as those doctors had to hold my precious angel down to draw blood or insert IVs. All the while you sat at home with your son of a bitch friends and got high.

And then I woke up one day and I realized I refused to live that life anymore. I refused to let you make me feel like a failure. I refused to let you put drugs before your family. And on December 27,2008 I told you to leave. And that time I meant it.

I filed for divorce. And from December to March you stopped smoking. I know you did BC I could look at you and tell there was a major change in your complete being.

On March 1,2009 I allowed you to move back in. Things were great. I whole heartedly believed that our marriage stood a chance. But on March 12th I caught you in a big lie and it was then that I realized that even though you were sober, you were still a compulsive liar and manipulator. And out the door you went.

I have spent the past 6 fucking months being badgered by you. Degraded. Called every fucking name in the book. Ive been told I don't give a fuck about my family and that I am doing nothing but ruining my daughters life by divorcing you. You have been able to send me to the deepest depths of depression and made me so mother fucking angry in these months that there is no forgiveness in me for you right now.

I have strong suspicions you are doing drugs again and that is not something my daughter deserves. You have stepped up your game as her father these past months but you have also told her, a three year old innocent child, hateful degrading things about her mommy. Her mommy who has ALWAYS been there for her. HOW DARE YOU try and make her think I am hurting her by divorcing her father. I am protecting my child from a situation that was so unhealthy for her and I to be in. To see us constantly fighting and arguing. To never have had spent any quality time with her daddy until mommy finally told him to leave.

Up until today I have let you hurt me and manipulate me and I am finally able to honestly say I am done. I want nothing to fucking do with you. I have asked you not to contact me unless it directly regards our daughter.

It is early Monday morning and I will be in court at 9am on Tuesday morning for our divorce hearing and I will finally be set free. I am no longer your door mat. I am no longer your puppet. I am my own person and I now live for me and for my daughter.

I hope you live with the guilt of the family that you tore apart for a long long time BC neither her nor I deserved the 4 years of hell that we endured.

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24 comments:

H.E.Eigler said...

I can't offer much but (((HUGS))) I hope you are able to move on from this and have a happy life with your daughter. Good for you on being strong and making a stand.

Rhea@mommy23monkeys said...

Wow, good luck! This is never easy but I hope you find the strength to make it through stronger and happier for you and your daughter.

Kim @ What's That Smell? said...

Heather you and Sophia deserve so much more. I know it hasn't been easy but it sounds like you have made a decision that can make things better for both of you.

Marianna said...

I just want to offer some ((((hugs)))). Good for you for doing what is best for you and your daughter.

Trish said...

Oh no! I am so sorry you had to go through all that. No one deserves to be treated like that.

Gena said...

I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself and your daughter!You are a wonderful mama!

Lisa P@www.isitmondayalready.com said...

awe hun Im glad you found the strength. I have yet been unable to find mine. My husband is an alcoholic who will never hcange, and someday I will really realize it. If you need a friend my email in in my prfile!

Christine said...

I am very proud of you. You have now shown your daughter all the strength and determination to demonstrate what a strong woman can do. Anytime you need to vent know that you have friends out here who support you.

StacieinAtlanta said...

Oh Heather, I am so sorry. You deserve so much more. Good for you for seeing that and taking charge of your life.

You are so right, you are no one's door mat. {{{hugs}}}

Staci said...

You're an amazing mom! Good for you for doing what's best for you and your daughter! hugs

Lizzie said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But I'm so glad that you're finally getting out of what seems like such a horrible situation.

Bloggymommy said...

Good for you making the best decision for you and your daughter. He sounds like a no good, deadbeat! I hope that you find all the happiness that you and Sophia need and deserve. You will be in my prayers! ((hugs))

LISA said...

Good for you , I know this is more then likely the hardest thing you have done , but it is the best thing for you and your daughter . I wish you luck and courage ! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers !

Beeb said...

Sending good thoughts your way as you deal with this incredibly hard time.

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Way to go for dumping his sorry ass! You go, girl! You email me any-friggin-time you want to talk, okay? *huge hugs*

Kimberly said...

I'm so sorry that you and your precious daughter had to go through so many years of that crap.

I'm proud of you too for doing what is best for you and your daughter and kicking his sorry a$$ to the curb where he deserves!!!!

Good luck sweetie!

Sara Elizabeth Bonds said...

I will keep you in my thoughts. I wish for you to keep the strength you have now, and for things to end as peacefully as possible.

A Psych Mommy said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this right now. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow while you are in court.

Maria said...

Your daughter is very lucky to have you as her Mommy. Not only did you go through a tough time with her when you dealth with having to go to drs visit and such, but you did so without the support you both deserved, You have strength within you and I hope you continue to use it in the time ahead, especially if you ever feel depressed like that again. You and your daughter both deserve happiness and I am confident you can help to find that for yourselves on your own. Stay strong!

Nina Say said...

I must say that I am very proud of you, even though I do not know you. You have proven you are very strong and you will obviously do whatever it takes for the well-being of your daughter.

Good luck to you, and keep up the good work.

Keowdie said...

I'm sorry that you guys have had to go through this, but I'm happy to hear that you're making changes for the better.
God placed Sophie in your life and your heart for a reason. You are an amazing mother. I hope you know that.