For better or for worse. But really just for worse.

Dear Mother Fucker:

Where do I even begin? On September 25,2005 I vowed to you before God and all of my family to love and to cherish you. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. I have a strong faith in God and I was raised with the moral that divorce is not the answer. Maybe that is why I have spent the last 4 years of my life in complete and utter misery.

While our precious angel was going through extensive health problems and hospitalized on a regular basis I was unable to work. But while I was unable to work I spent countless nights sleeping in chairs in hospital rooms. Worrying myself sick about my child, OUR child. And what were you doing during those times while I was in the hospital? Or what about those times I was waking up at 3am and rushing to the emergency room deathly afraid for our daughters health? Sure you worked. You brought in a paycheck. But what the fuck exactly did you do with that paycheck? Why were we always behind on our bills. Why was I always calling ad begging bill collectors and utility companies to work with us? Because you were a drug addict. Because you constantly lies to me about the money that was made and you spent a minimum of $200 a week on marijuana. And aside from working you smoked pot and sat on your fucking ass. Sad as it is to say you never one time changed a diaper until we separated on December 27,2008. Sophia was almost 3 at that time.

How many times did I come to you in tears, begging you to go to the park with her and I. Or maybe out to dinner. Even a simple walk around the block. You never obliged. You were to God damned busy smoking your life away to worry about your family. You were to damn busy degrading me for not working. When I couldn't work BC I was our daughters sole medical guarantor and had to be there for her therapies 5 days a week. The constant doctors appointments. The MRIs. The EEGs. I was the one crying in the hospital as those doctors had to hold my precious angel down to draw blood or insert IVs. All the while you sat at home with your son of a bitch friends and got high.

And then I woke up one day and I realized I refused to live that life anymore. I refused to let you make me feel like a failure. I refused to let you put drugs before your family. And on December 27,2008 I told you to leave. And that time I meant it.

I filed for divorce. And from December to March you stopped smoking. I know you did BC I could look at you and tell there was a major change in your complete being.

On March 1,2009 I allowed you to move back in. Things were great. I whole heartedly believed that our marriage stood a chance. But on March 12th I caught you in a big lie and it was then that I realized that even though you were sober, you were still a compulsive liar and manipulator. And out the door you went.

I have spent the past 6 fucking months being badgered by you. Degraded. Called every fucking name in the book. Ive been told I don't give a fuck about my family and that I am doing nothing but ruining my daughters life by divorcing you. You have been able to send me to the deepest depths of depression and made me so mother fucking angry in these months that there is no forgiveness in me for you right now.

I have strong suspicions you are doing drugs again and that is not something my daughter deserves. You have stepped up your game as her father these past months but you have also told her, a three year old innocent child, hateful degrading things about her mommy. Her mommy who has ALWAYS been there for her. HOW DARE YOU try and make her think I am hurting her by divorcing her father. I am protecting my child from a situation that was so unhealthy for her and I to be in. To see us constantly fighting and arguing. To never have had spent any quality time with her daddy until mommy finally told him to leave.

Up until today I have let you hurt me and manipulate me and I am finally able to honestly say I am done. I want nothing to fucking do with you. I have asked you not to contact me unless it directly regards our daughter.

It is early Monday morning and I will be in court at 9am on Tuesday morning for our divorce hearing and I will finally be set free. I am no longer your door mat. I am no longer your puppet. I am my own person and I now live for me and for my daughter.

I hope you live with the guilt of the family that you tore apart for a long long time BC neither her nor I deserved the 4 years of hell that we endured.

So I still haven't saved the world. Yet.

Anyone who has followed my blog for any significant amount of time is aware of the fact that I separated from my husband in December of last year. Well before I got in to the whole schpeel let me give you a quick timeline of the last 9 months of my life mmmk?

December 27,2008-Bill(husband) and I separate.

December 31,2008-First date with Donnie(boyfriend)

January 5,2009-Tell Donnie I still love my husband and I want him back. Bill moves back in.

January 7,2009- WHOA what the fuck was I thinking, I cant be married to this man. Bill moves out. Back together with Donnie

February 28,2009- Donnie and I just aren't working out. Still love my husband, going to give it one more shot.

March 13,2009- Marriage fails once again and Bill moves back out. Back with Donnie.

March 27,2009- Move in to a cozy little home in the city with Donnie and our children.

March-August- Aside from here and there arguments things are seemingly well for Donnie and I.

And that takes us to the present, HOLY SHIT. Wait, are you still here. Take a xanax, It may help with the overwhelming urge you are getting to call the Jerry Springer show right now. ANYWAY, Donnie and I have decided to separate. we are still TOGETHER but we are living separately for right now. We both have some things that we need to work on but we need to work on those things alone, that way when we do eventually move back in together things are far less hectic.

So,yes, now I am living in my parents home that they so graciously opened to Sophia and I and I am thankful to them for that. And lucky YOU, I will be writing SO much more now that I have a WORKING computer. You're jumping for joy, like literally, right now aren't you? Right on.

Oh, and PS. My divorce is final on September 22nd. I expect bottles of Jack Daniels and xanax to arrive at my door as celebratory gifts. Mmmk Thanks.

Circus woes

So we had tickets to the circus last night. My mom is good friends and used to work with the head veterinarian for Barnum & Bailey so every year we get free tickets and get to go backstage. Sophie LOVED it last year. LOOOOVED it. Last night, not so much. I think it had to do with the fact that she FINALLY fell asleep at like pm and the show started at 7. usually when she is asleep at 4 she is gone for the night. She FINALLY woke up once we got inside the arena and she saw all the lights and heard the music. She was enjoying everything until intermission and I think that is when she was just over it. She was screaming that she was scared and wasnted nothing to do with the place at all. We even bought her a $20 tiger cub that came in a little pink purse to try and appease her(oh yeah, I bribed her!) but nothing worked. So we left just as the second half started. Oh well, We were there for here and I was not going to let her be miserable the whole time. We did however manage to get som pictures and video. Just super bummed we didnt get to go back stage! Boo. Oh well! Always next year!

Pumpkin patch fun

I just thought I would share some pictures from our trip to the pumpkin patch today! We had a blast. Sophie was able to pick out her own pumpkin, we went through a corn maze and she drug her daddy through the haunted fort 5 times. It was quite humerous BC it was only 4ft hi. hehe