Sunday, October 12, 2008

The truth hurts

I try to stay away from talking about me on here. About my own personal issues and the issues I have in my marriage. I try to keep my blog up beat and fun to read but tonight...well tonight I just have to let my inner narcissist out and talk about me. I just need to get it out before my head implodes from all of the pent up stress.

Today my husband, Bill, lost his keys. "We" spent the whole day searching for them with no luck. Well, this evening I was hurriedly running around the house looking for them when I stopped and I realized that he was sitting at the computer, playing some stupid game on Myspace. Not even TRYING to help. So I said "Fuck this, If he can't get up and HELP me then he can look for them his damn self". So, yeah, whatever. The whole point of me telling you that is that I realized while I was busting my ass looking for HIS keys he didn't lift a finger to help. *SIGH*

We've had our share of problems, more so than your 'average' married couple. For a while we were getting along great. But, for the past month or two he has gone back to being an inconsiderate selfish hateful s.o.b. I won't even bore you with all of the details.

I'm bawling my eyes out as I'm writing this. The tears are making the keyboard and the screen seem blurry. A few days ago we were in the car when he started in on me. I honestly don't even remember what about. But as we quietly bickered in the front seats Sophie shouts from the back "No! stop!" We both shut up quicker than we ever had before. It was right then that I noticed that something has GOT to change.

I don't know what it is about love that makes me endure some of the things that I do. Let me say real quick that I am not perfect. I could certainly handle situations differently. Though... I don't understand why when I have spent so many nights crying myself to sleep BC I'm so miserable that I still love him. I dont understand why when I KNOW what kind of life I want and have always wanted is not what I have with him yet still love him.

Love is funny that way. Lately with everything that has been happening with Sophie's medical health and my marriage I have literally been a fragile emotional mess. I have days when I am so miserable that I don't even want to be awake.I have days when I am literally physically sick from the fighting. Days when I am *this* close to relapsing from 3 years of remission from Bulimia. But, you know what? Do you know what makes all of that all better? Sophie. When she comes to me at 5am jumping on me telling me she is hungry its then that I know life is good. I love that child so much that is makes my heart hurt. I never knew I was capable of loving someone so much until I met her.

So, why? Why after I heard her yell in the car, noticeably upset, do I stay with him? He is a great dad. In a sense. I know and believe with every ounce of my being that he loves Sophie more than anything. He absolutely adores her. But the extent of his relationship with her is play-based. I am 100% the only person involved in her medical treatment. I am the one who takes her to the park/Zoo/Museum etc...

Uggh.. I don't even know what this blog is supposed to be about. I just needed to get it out.



Roxanne Green said...

OH I feel your pain.

One thing that can really help put things into perspective is to make a list. Sit down with one sheet of paper. Write the good things about him on one side and the bad on the other. Then really reflect on the list. Can you live with the bad to have the good? If you can then stick with it and do whatever it takes to make it work for you and your daughter's sake. If you can't live with the bad to have the good, then maybe it's time to make a change.

One thing I've been known to do is conveniently leave the list "hidden" but not really. Put it somewhere where you know he will look but it appears that you hurriedly stashed it there. Things sometimes "magically" begin to change after that.

Good luck to you!!


JLT6907 said...

I am so sorry girl. but you have obviously noticed that what you are doing in front of Sophie isnt healthy. maybe both of you need to take a step back and look at the situation. maybe take a break for a little bit. see how things pan out. also know that i am here for you if you need anything!

Love ya girl, hugs

Andrea said...

Heather, all I will say on this topic is that you deserve a real partner, a PARTNER. Love is blind, sometimes you have to show it what you are dealing with and break it's heart before you can do what is best for you.

Kim @ What's That Smell? said...

I'm not really good at this kind of stuff, but it must be hard doing things all by yourself while you parent essentially 2 children.

I don't know him or your history together, but I do know that everyone deals with stress differently. Is it possible that it is his way of dealing with the stress of Sophie's medical issues? Does he "shut-down"? Have you talked to him...really talked?

Like I said, I'm not good at this, but I spent 1 whole year when my husband had his back injury doing EVERYTHING and even though he was not just laying on the couch for no good reason, I still got angry with him and frustrated over doing everything alone. So I understand a little bit of how you feel. To add Sophie's medical issues on top of it, all I can say is that you are even stronger than I knew you were....

Heather B. said...

your so sweet Kim. We've had problems for the past almost 2 years. We've dont the counseling thing. I honestly DO think its the way he handles stress.He had a crappy childhood and I think that it scarred his perceptive thinking for life...