I try to stay away from talking about me on here. About my own personal issues and the issues I have in my marriage. I try to keep my blog up beat and fun to read but tonight...well tonight I just have to let my inner narcissist out and talk about me. I just need to get it out before my head implodes from all of the pent up stress.
Today my husband, Bill, lost his keys. "We" spent the whole day searching for them with no luck. Well, this evening I was hurriedly running around the house looking for them when I stopped and I realized that he was sitting at the computer, playing some stupid game on Myspace. Not even TRYING to help. So I said "Fuck this, If he can't get up and HELP me then he can look for them his damn self". So, yeah, whatever. The whole point of me telling you that is that I realized while I was busting my ass looking for HIS keys he didn't lift a finger to help. *SIGH*
We've had our share of problems, more so than your 'average' married couple. For a while we were getting along great. But, for the past month or two he has gone back to being an inconsiderate selfish hateful s.o.b. I won't even bore you with all of the details.
I'm bawling my eyes out as I'm writing this. The tears are making the keyboard and the screen seem blurry. A few days ago we were in the car when he started in on me. I honestly don't even remember what about. But as we quietly bickered in the front seats Sophie shouts from the back "No! stop!" We both shut up quicker than we ever had before. It was right then that I noticed that something has GOT to change.
I don't know what it is about love that makes me endure some of the things that I do. Let me say real quick that I am not perfect. I could certainly handle situations differently. Though... I don't understand why when I have spent so many nights crying myself to sleep BC I'm so miserable that I still love him. I dont understand why when I KNOW what kind of life I want and have always wanted is not what I have with him yet still love him.
Love is funny that way. Lately with everything that has been happening with Sophie's medical health and my marriage I have literally been a fragile emotional mess. I have days when I am so miserable that I don't even want to be awake.I have days when I am literally physically sick from the fighting. Days when I am *this* close to relapsing from 3 years of remission from Bulimia. But, you know what? Do you know what makes all of that all better? Sophie. When she comes to me at 5am jumping on me telling me she is hungry its then that I know life is good. I love that child so much that is makes my heart hurt. I never knew I was capable of loving someone so much until I met her.
So, why? Why after I heard her yell in the car, noticeably upset, do I stay with him? He is a great dad. In a sense. I know and believe with every ounce of my being that he loves Sophie more than anything. He absolutely adores her. But the extent of his relationship with her is play-based. I am 100% the only person involved in her medical treatment. I am the one who takes her to the park/Zoo/Museum etc...
Uggh.. I don't even know what this blog is supposed to be about. I just needed to get it out.