Friday, October 3, 2008

The one where mommy loses it.

Y'all. Let me tell you what. My child is kicking my ass! So,like, all of a sudden she has hit the complete independent punk ass ornery phase. There has not been a day this week that she did not pull some stunt that made me want to return her to the cabbage patch. Let me give you a little run down of Sophie's adventures.

-Monday: Sophie had been bust torturing my poor cats yet again, Chasing them with the fly swatter and whacking them. I put my cats out on the back deck for a bit to calm down and I went in to the bathroom to clean the softsoap off of the mirror that she smeared all over. Well. I hear the back door open. I go out to see what she was up to and she had snuck out on the deck and crawled behind the barbecue pit where the cat was and I catch her just as she TOSSES THE CAT OFF OF THE DECK. Yes, off of my second story deck. The cat is fine.She was just pissed.

-Tuesday: She wakes up at 4:30 Mommy was NOT ready to be up and I dozed off watching 'Harold and the purple crayon' BAD IDEA. Frickin, she got in to the pantry, got out one of her Dora snack bowls and the box of cereal and tried pouring herself a bowl of cereal and poured the ENTIRE bag all over my kitchen floor. NOTE: I made her 2 waffles and she ate those and a special K bar while I was awake.

-Wednesday: Again, wakes up at 4. I am in the kitchen at about 4:15am getting her breakfast together and when I go to get her to take her to the table she is no where to be found. I look in my room,nope. I look in her room,negative. I look in the bathroom, no sign of her. So......I look out on the back deck. Freakin she was outside, in the dark, in her pajamas, sitting in her Dora lawn chair and she had turned her Winnie The Pooh bubble machine on and she was just chilling on the deck. at 4:15am. Awesome.

-Thursday: My mother in law had the nerve to buy bought Sophie a massive barbie case FULL of Barbies. 32 to be exact. Well Princess Sophie thought it would be neat to sneak her Barbie case on to the back deck while mommy was putting clothes in the dryer. She threw each and every one of her Barbies off of the deck in to my neighbors bush.I had to go dig 32 Barbies out of a bush. Super cool.

-Friday: OK. Wow. The child kicked my ass today. Let Me tell you! She had therapy from 10 to 11 so that was my much needed alone time. I pick her up and we come home and I am getting some household chores done and I go out to the back deck and she comes with me. I was turned around sweeping out the leaves from the corner and she managed to take off her jacket and throw it off the deck. She also threw a mini sweeper thing I have and her Barbie sunglasses. So I get to go down and fish them out of the bush again. BUT GET THIS! I was wearing pajama pants, a tank top with no bra, no socks, no shoes and hair all a mess.

I go down to get the things she threw and I come back up and she LOCKED THE FRONT DOOR. Oh my damn. I knocked on that door for a good 15 minutes begging her to unlock it and she sat right at the door and talked to me but not once touched the lock. My cell phone was in the house so I go to my neighbors and ask to use her phone to call Bill in hopes that he was at his office an could bring me a key. Nope. He was 2 nd a half hours away on location.

So, I have to walk to the office which is a half a mile away to get a key. They would not bring the key to me EVEN THOUGH my TWO year old was in the apt. alone. Here I am looking like a busted ass white trash Hoosier in her care bear pajama pants and hot pink tank top,no bra, Barefoot, walking a half mile to get a damned key. I hauled ass. Frickin eh I ran there and back. I get back and what do I see?

She has unlocked the door, OPENED the door, went OUTSIDE, in her diaper and a t shirt. barefoot. She was sitting on the outside stairs playing when I got back. Oh my hell. I almost pooped my pants. She was outside ALONE!

UGH so we are headed to Home Depot to Sophie proof the back door and the deck.

But no ladies and gentlemen that's not it! No No. HERE IS THE CLINCHER. I had to go to the Hallmark store to get a birthday card for my father in law. One from us and one from Sophie. She was OK when we first got there but she was bored of looking at cards so she kept taking off. Well, I started looking at little nick knacks or whatever for him. Sophie was looking at some stickers and when it was time to go she refused to walk away from the stickers. She was demanding I buy some. uh, no, we have like a bazillion stickers at home.

So when i told her no she picked up a handful of sticker packs and throws them on the ground. As I was picking them up she grabbed a crystal Christmas ornament and hurls it. It SHATTERED everywhere. And whats better is that they made me pay for it! Damn $24.99 for that stupid ass thing. I think that was my breaking point. I broke down in the Hallmark store and was bawling and apologizing. I called Bill and asked if he could get off 15 minutes early BC I just needed a break. He got off and I got some quiet time. Now I need like a million more quiet times and Ill be good to go



JLT6907 said...

oh you poor thing! sounds like someone doesnt need to go to the store with mommy anymore. lol. i am so sorry, hun. *hugs*

Charming Lamb said...

Holy shit heart is racing and I am exhausted just reading all of this. You are an effin SAINT.

In your next life there is something really fricking awesome waiting for you sister!

Leigh said...

If you had been here when my daughter was 3, you would have heard me muttering "Now I understand why some animals eat their young" quite often.

Hang in there, it'll get better, i promise.

Work at Home Mom Revolution said...

Wow! You have my sympathies. Thankfully, my are all teenagers now. But I've definitely had those days.;)

Gina said...

oh no! I was giggling through that until the very end! You need your alone time!!!